Learning to Want
by Convenient Alias
Summary: An outcast in his own family, Koon Aguero Agnis knows there are things that are safe to want and things that are not. Luxury, exotic foods, clothes, influence-Those are safe. But he can't allow himself to want love. He can't allow himself to want friends. (An exploration of Koon's backstory. Oneshot. Possibly AU.)
They say that at the top of the tower you can have anything you want. That may be true, but some also say that at the highest levels anyone has explored, the highest known levels, everyone is happy as well. That is not true, and Aguero knows it well.

He's lived on the higher level of the towers all his life, accustomed to high concentrations of Shinsoo, surrounded by the rich and the talented. The Koon family lives in luxury. And while some might say a bastard son like Aguero doesn't belong on the higher levels, can't rightly call himself a Koon even, no one's going to try to kick him out. Not while his sister is a princess of Zahard, one of the most powerful women in the tower. No one wants to make her mad.

And so Aguero lives in luxury. He can eat anything he wants, wear anything he wants, do anything he wants ("within limits, Aguero, remember our reputation") with no real consequences. He is trained to think strategically, playing strategy games and discussing history with great minds. His sister teaches him the basics of fighting technique herself, when she has the time. And he thinks perhaps she loves him.

And so, perhaps, men would have said Koon Aguero Agnis should be satisfied.

He is not.

He's never cared much for food or clothes or luxury; he knows they wouldn't interest his sister. He knows his actions are not as free as they would have him believe, and if he steps too far out of line, his sister will always be there to remind him to take a step back. Reputation, reputation, reputation. He is a Koon, and perception always matters.

Nor is he so blind to think, despite his best efforts, that he is seen with respect. Everyone in the Koon family knows his birth is low. It's not even a rumor. If not for his sister, they would cast him off. As it is, they'll try to hide their condescension. But only just barely.

He tries to make friends in the family. Hachuling is friendly with everyone, and is at least interested in Aguero. He has heard the stories both of Aguero's background and Aguero's skill.

He's an odd guy, Hachuling. He likes to play games. Not mind games, like most of the Koon family, although he's fine with those too. Videogames. Arcade games. Well, fine. Aguero doesn't mind coughing up a few coins to be around someone who doesn't talk down to him. He might not understand the appeal, but he's willing to play along.

He also loves hacking, although he refuses to teach Aguero more than the basics, saying it's too boring a job. Aguero concedes that perhaps he should find a different teacher for intermediate hacking. What Hachuling does is far too advanced.

He's a ranker and a good one, and the family pays him respect. Aguero doesn't expect him to leave, but he does.

/.../.../

("My apologies, Aguero. There are some things I have to do. Have a good time without me."

"They say you're joining Wolhaiksong."

"Hm? That's not exactly public knowledge. Where are you plugged into the grapevine?"

Aguero is plugged in everywhere, and Hachuling knows that if he knows anything about Aguero.

"You could get killed."

"That's a little insulting. A kid like you shouldn't worry about your elders."

"Why are you leaving the family?"

"Why would I want to stay?"

And Aguero can't answer, because they're a family of snobs who only respect power. He barely likes any of them himself. And he knows he can't ask Hachuling to stay just because he would be lonely with Hachuling gone.)

/.../.../

So Aguero forgets about Hachuling. It doesn't matter where Hachuling's gone because wherever it is, it's a place where Aguero can't follow. And Aguero is fine on his own. He always has been. His sister is still a princess of Zahard, and she still loves him, and she still commands enough respect to make for him a place in this world.

He is not known as an honorable man. He is not known as strong. Those are honors afforded to those who have climbed the tower to get to this level, or at least legitimate sons. Bastards have no honor, and Aguero commands no respect.

He gains a different type of reputation, and soon he has a figure in every political and financial pie on the level. He doesn't have a whole lot of influence, it's true, but he always knows what's going on. And soon, people begin to realize this, realize he has good judgment. They come to him sometimes for information, and sometimes for advice.

That is what people whisper about Koon Aguero Agnis. Go to him to hear who's in favor. Go to him and he'll tell you who the strongest warriors are currently on each level. He can tell you where to invest your money. He can tell you where to lay favors, who to avoid like the plague, where the axe is going to fall. He'll do it with a smile on his face, and he won't charge any money, because he likes being useful. You'll owe him a favor, but that's fine. He can do a lot for you, Aguero can.

(But don't trust him. Remember the people whose secrets he's told. Remember the smug lilt of his voice when he speaks. And remember: he's a bastard, not a real Koon. He's not a real part of the family.)

These are the things people say about Koon Aguero Agnis in a whisper. When they speak of him out loud, they'll tell you that he certainly knows his way around society. He goes to all the best parties (even if he never talks to anyone for long). His earring, and he only ever wears the one, is in excellent taste, not too flashy but in the Koon colors and rather chic.

Some people say that he has grown into an attractive young man. Some people say he has many paramours. He's been seen with this lady and that lady, sometimes dancing with them, sometimes alone in a corner looking entirely too intimate. No one knows exactly who his lover is, but everyone has a theory. He's forbidden, both dangerous and pitied, and that makes the idea of a scandalous romance so much more interesting.

These rumors are incorrect. Aguero does not have any lovers, nor does he have any friends.

Until Maria.

/.../.../

When Maria approaches Aguero, he thinks she wants advice. Everyone knows they're choosing a new princess of Zahard soon, and Maria is a strong candidate. It's a pity he isn't going to help anyone but his sister. Anything else would be folly.

But she never broaches the subject. She compliments his earring and talks about the weather. Puzzled, he redirects the conversation and asks her about her recent journey up the tower. She has many stories. Many, many stories.

He doesn't know how he ends up asking her to come visit her again.

She never asks him about politics. Instead, she tells him stories of battles. They're never really about her, he notices. She redirects them to focus on one comrade or another, extolling their merits even if she was the one to win the day. When he points it out, she says, "There's enough credit to go around."

They talk about trivial things, too. Food preferences (not that Aguero cares about that), recent news on the lower levels, pop culture, books they've both read, philosophy. Sometimes she tries to get deeper, ask him about his past, about his feelings. He redirects. He doesn't have any feelings and his past is an open book.

They talk about a million things, but there are some things he never tells her. He never tells her she's beautiful. She has enough admirers to tell her that. He never tells her how much he admires her strength, her kindness, her open heart and her willingness to talk to an outcast like him. He never admits that he was lonely until she came around, that his sister could never fill his longing for love with her soft familial reassurances, and he stays even farther from admitting that when she's around, he isn't lonely anymore.

He tells himself (and he's told himself a million times) not to want things. He can't break the Koon family mold. He can't try to make friends with people who will leave. He especially can't want this beautiful woman, who is far older and wiser and stronger than he could ever be. He is certain she could never want him in return.

He gives her his first kiss, but he can't bear to do more than brush against her lips, and afterwards he can't bear to look into her eyes. He runs away from her before she can say a word. And for months, he deletes every text and email, avoids her in public even when it means not attending some of the biggest events of the year, and refuses to accept her at home.

He wants, and it's the most frightening thing he's ever done.

/.../.../

("Maria as the next Zahard princess! Certainly I wouldn't have seen that coming. Although, I'm sure she'll make a good candidate."

"Poor Aguero, though. With his sister out of favor he'll be sent to the lower levels for certain."

"It's about time. A disgrace, keeping a bastard around the house."

"A bit sad, though."

"Well, at least one mystery is solved. We know who his lover was. Although of course he can't stay with Maria now."

"Who on Earth would let his girlfriend become a princess of Zahard? He could have prevented it, I'm sure."

"I suppose he wasn't so clever as he seemed."

"Poor silly Aguero."

"Poor boy indeed.")

/.../.../

The lower levels of the tower are not luxurious. But they're functional, and Aguero can work with that.

He doesn't know if his sister knows he helped make Maria a princess. He hopes she doesn't (she never did anything to deserve his betrayal) and suspects she does. Everyone on the higher levels was talking about it. Everyone.

So now his reputation is destroyed, and he has no nice clothes or food, and he has nothing to guarantee his safety, and he has no Maria. He doesn't care about most of it. Clothes are nothing. Food is nothing. Safety must be sacrificed for greatness. Reputation can be built.

And Maria can be won, again, when he has climbed up to stand at her side.

He fears at first he won't receive an invitation to climb the tower. He does, though. Of course he does. He doesn't know why he ever doubted himself. He's a bastard but he's a Koon and a son of a Koon, and he is strong.

He doesn't need his sister. He doesn't need Hachuling. He'll find his own allies and they'll take the tower for themselves, and the whole tower will know his worth. And he tells himself that's what he wants: the fame, the power, and perhaps Maria by his side. And he forces himself not to hope that within the walls of these towers he might find some friends who won't tower over him, who won't make him feel inferior, who will be willing to walk with him side by side.

/…/…/

("Hey, stop! With that loose posture you wouldn't even be able to snag a baby rabbit. And one more thing: The poly-eyed races are mild, so they don't attack people. Not even in a situation like this."

…

"Ah…Phew. Thank you for stopping me."

"No problem. But poly-eyed races are everywhere in the tower. Where did you come from? How come you didn't know about them?"

"Huh? That is…Well…It's hard to say."

"Ah—you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

This boy is clearly overly honest.

"Well then, see you later…If you survive the test."

"Ah, yeah, thank you again."

…

"Hey black hair, did you bring a pet?"

"What? What do you mean by a pet?"

"…Well…A big crocodile is here."

…

"I'm not a crocodile.")

/…/…/

They become his friends. They become his family. He believed, until now, that happiness could only be achieved on the top level of the tower, the level where even Zahard himself has never gone. Wishes are supposed to go unanswered, love unrequited. He never dreamed he'd find happiness in one of the lowest levels of the tower with a bunch of idiot regulars who know nothing about strategy or reputation or any of the things that are supposed to matter, but somehow know so much more than anyone in his family about friendship and loyalty and just having fun.

He lets his hair down, pretends everything is fine. Allows himself to believe that he can travel up the tower with these people, that he too can have people he loves.

It isn't until Yu Han Sung proclaims Baam's death that Koon remembers: He isn't supposed to want things.

But he gathers a new team, and he surrounds himself with people he can trust. He'll catch up with Ship Leesoo someday, reunite with Rak. And for now, he'll fight alongside Ran, an honored member of the family, who for some reason seems to look up to him (or at least see him as an equal) instead of looking down. Kid has some sense. He'll make a team of the people he wants, because yes, he's bad at getting what he wants, but at least he knows what it is now. He doesn't want to be alone. And he's willing to fight for it.

...

...

AN: Sooo...This story is most certainly not canon. Honestly, I'm not even sure it's headcanon. So what is it, you ask? Well.

I feel like we always get glimpses of backstory in Tower of God but never the whole thing. Like, this whole Koon dealio. It looks like Koon's life before climbing the tower kind of sucked? But what was the lifestyle? What was his position in the Koon family? Who the heck was Maria? No, seriously. And what does Koon want from climbing the tower? Is it really just power? Because from where I'm looking, Koon's decisions are practically never to garner power, and practically always to fight for his friends.

So here's a story of what COULD have happened in Koon's past. I don't think it's entirely accurate, but it's not impossible. And if it's a bit angsty, well, I like angst, so there.

(For more explorations of confusing backstories read my fic "Five Things Rachel Was to Baam". Bam, self promo. Also, disclaimer: dialogue in conversation between Koon and Baam was taken straight out of the comic. It is not mine.)

Thank you for reading, and reviews would be lovely!


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